All my life, I’ve been weak, sad, alone and scared. And it has damaged me in ways that I can’t fix. I cannot reverse it. I cannot undo it. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, I can’t change who I am. In fact, I can’t even decide if I want to change who I am.
All this rage, this anger, and negativity that is thriving inside me, I cannot just dump it out. I cannot just get past it and move on. I’ve tried to move on. I’ve tried to be brave, noble and optimistic. But I’ve failed every single time. I’ve failed miserably. Every time I take the high road, every time I try to rise above who I am. I find myself dragged back to the muddy lanes of my past.
I do not mean to stop trying. I will try. Again. And again until I succeed.
But before that, there is much I need to do. I need to know myself, discover and rediscover my soul. I need to own myself. I need to pinpoint the origins of all things dark. I need to nourish my soul, water my roots and strengthen my foundations. I need to find at least a semblance of a cure. I need to heal and mend. If I can’t be whole again, I would at least like all my broken pieces to be in their right places.